Adventures in the Land of Highlighted Heads

America is the world’s greatest democracy [1] , and India is the world’s largest democracy [2], so yeah we do have something in common on the lines of democracy right. Hmmmmm, not really. This is why, in India democracy is passed on from father to son a-la Deve Gowda or a-la Indira- Rajeev etc. Well in the US they just take things right to the people themselves. And the best way to do things with people is to meet them and ask them for their options right! so they have meetings. Here in the US, we have meetings all the time, for all projects small and big, for all assignments, for all class work, for all courses etc. there are meetings, and all of them are scheduled at some other time, and you are expected to arrive for that meeting fully prepared.

In India we dont have meetings at all, someone does the job he's assigned to do and the damn job gets done (well at least most of the times anyway).

This system of meetings is so dumb, sometimes we have meetings just to schedule the next meeting (I swear, I’m not kidding, it’s that ridiculous out here.) But the height of ridiculousness is demonstrated below.

[Note: This meeting happened, but I refuse to disclose any further details as to when and where]

The situation: A mass email is sent of the people of a lab, asking them to turn up for a meeting.
The Time: 10 am circa mid-September 2007 A.D.
The Location: Some airless underground bunker, also known as a research lab.

The Entire lab congregates, and the meeting begins.

The Chairman begins by addressing the audience “Good Morning Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you all for coming here. The agenda is laid out for you on your desk. Now if any of you have any objections before we proceed, please lay them out now.”

[Young man in the back mutter “What the frggin hell are you wasting our time here for”] [3]

Chairman : “ All right, we shall proceed, as you know our lab is facing a grave risk and danger, we are all here to vote on a process and make a decision for the good of our entire lab. Please participate in the vote process only if you think you are capable of answering the question with utmost knowledge and consider yourself to be an expert in the field that the question is based. So we shall begin.”

1. Now White vs. Brown. All those in favor of white, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. “All those in favor of white, raise your hands” [Secretary again takes note of count].

2. Now butterflies vs. plain. All those in favor of butterflies, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. All those in favor of plain, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count].

3. Now 6 inch vs. 12 inch. All those in favor of 6”, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. All those in favor of 12”, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count].

4. Recycled vs. Natural. All those in favor of Natural, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. All those in favor of Recycled, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count].

5. Rose vs. Lemon fragrance. All those in favor of Rose, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. All those in favor of Lemon, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count].

6. 2 Ply vs. 4 Ply. All those in favor of 2 ply, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count]. All those in favor of 4 ply, raise your hands”. [Secretary takes note of count].

Chairman : “That will be all ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your effort. Based on your votes and our financial budget an effective solution will be proposed to rid us of our hardship that we currently face.”

Ok, now you must be intrigued as to what the meeting was about. No this is not some cult ritual or some initiation ceremony. It was a meeting that was held because they had run out of bog roll in the loo. AND THEY HAD A FREAKING MEETING TO DECIDE WHICH TYPE OF TOILET PAPER THE BLOODY LAB WOULD USE FROM NOW ON IN THE LOO’S.

It’s so maddening here. In India the janitor or someone will simply come in and put a new toilet paper roll once it is over. (Yeah that is if we ever use that goddamned creation). Here they need a friggin meeting to democratically decide what bog roll to use. Sheesh.

Oh, btw they finally chose: Recycled, 2 ply, white,non flavored, 6" toilet paper with nothing emblazoned on them. Why? They were the cheapest (remember budgetary constaraints).

Refrences:
[1] Dubyaman , Dont you want somebody to Love., Whitehouse, circa 2005
[2] Census Report of India, 2001.
[3] Angry Young Man on the Back., " I'm so friggin Pissed off". circa 2007.